Lessons On Love

I've been blogging this week about marriage in honor of National Marriage Week. You can read about it here: http://nationalmarriageweekusa.org/.

My husband and I have been honored to be able to serve as Marriage Mentors at our church for over 3 years now. Our focus of the team we serve on is pre-marital couples, but we've had the privilege of serving struggling married couples as well. By NO means does this make us experts. We are a LONG WAY from having it all together, trust me! In fact, I recall many nights where we'd be having a "disagreement" over something and I'd think to myself... "We are NOT qualified to be mentoring ANYONE!" But I've learned that God has been molding and shaping us through the process of mentoring others to strengthen our own relationship and to teach us how to love and respect each other on a deeper, more intimate level. I count it a blessing to be able to serve alongside of my husband and best friend in this way!

Today I thought I would share a couple things from my own heart and personal experiences. Some of these are lessons I've had to learn over and over again while others are issues God's still dealing with me on. If you can relate, I pray that these might bless you...

My marriage is NOT about me.
I read a book years ago by Max Lucado entitled, "It's Not About Me". I remember hesitating before purchasing it. I mean after all, what do you mean it's not all about me? But I recall feeling a distinct prompting to buy the book... and so I did. I will admit that while Lucado is by far one of my favorite authors, this was not one of his greatest "touchy-feely" books. In fact, there was much about the book that was down right convicting. To the core. But I finished the book having felt a sense of relief. Almost like being let off the hook for having made so much of my life - and my marriage - about me. Lucado writes in his final chapter, "We exist to give honor to His name." Period. That's it. That sentence pretty much sums it us, doesn't it? It's NOT about me. My life and my marriage is not about me. It's about how I and how WE, as a couple, can bring honor and glory to Him. We can't possibly do that when WE are in the way. Philippians 2:2-5 says, "Make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one heart and one purpose." Here it comes... "Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. Don't think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing."

Pretty much says it all right there. I continue to ask God to reveal to me ways in which I am selfish and self-centered... asking Him to change my heart so that my marriage can be spared from a self-seeking spouse (ME). When I begin to focus my energy in serving my spouse and worshipping the creator of the universe... my "me-mentality" begins to disappear and I begin to look more like the person God created me to be!

Stop trying to change my spouse.
I remember having a heated conversation (see my subtle attempt to NOT call it an argument) with Trevor one night about household chores. I was working full time outside of the home at that time and Trevor was too. Chloe was in school full time and had many extracurricular activities that she was involved in as well. I had just come home to find a disaster. Piles of laundry that needed cleaned, dinner that needed to be made, dishes that needed to be unloaded in the dishwasher, bed sheets that were still in the dryer and still needed to be put on the bed. I mean - it was a mess. And to top it all off, I had a headache and just really wanted to crawl under the bed and fall asleep. Trevor had come in from his hard day of work and boy did he get an ear-full. So much for maintaining peace and harmony and welcoming the love of my life with open arms! He walked in to a war-zone and I'm pretty sure heading back to his office seemed like a better plan at that moment! I've always been the one to take care of the "indoor chores" and Trevor has always taken care of everything "outdoors" including all maintenance on vehicles, but this time he was having to hear all about why HE had not taken care of the things that I always said I'd take care of. And then I remember him saying this, "It's always been this way. I have the inside and you have the outside remember? This is nothing new. You can't change it up now."

I wasn't happy to hear this and it certainly didn't get dinner on the table ANY faster that night - but I do recall learning immensely from this one comment. He was right in that I was trying to change him because the circumstances had changed. It wasn't that I was simply asking for help - but that my focus was on why he wasn't such and such and why he didn't do this and that. The focus on my anger became personal when I tried thinking I could change him to make me happy. And that's not the way it works. (Incidentally, we worked together to get everything done that night and ended up laughing our way through it.)

I cannot change Trevor - God is the only one who can do that. And people who think that they can try are just fooling themselves. We are who we are. We are who God made us to be and we are ALL works in progress. I've also learned that just as God is changing Trevor to be the man and the husband he was designed to be - he is also changing me as well and I must refrain from thinking I have control over behavior changes when it's not in my power and not up to me to handle.

How can I pray for my spouse?
This is a pretty new concept for me. I mean - I've always prayed for Trevor. I've prayed for things like... his health, his relationship with his daughter, our marriage, his job security and his safe travels... but I've rarely asked HIM how I should be praying for him.

This came to mind during a study with our small group on the book Love and War by John and Staci Eldredge. The concept of praying WITH your spouse came up and to be honest, it made most of us feel a little uncomfortable. Trevor and I have prayed together many times, but I'll admit that it's not always something that's come easy for us. It's a little more intimidating and perhaps makes us feel a little bit more vulnerable than we're comfortable with. So - I challenged our friends to consider, instead, asking your spouse regularly how you can be praying for them. Is there something specific that they need help with? A problem going on with work, a physical ailment, a troubled personal relationship? Maybe it's a faith-issue their struggling with or a personal burden they're carrying around with them. Asking your spouse HOW you can pray FOR them is a wonderful thing. It's another way of serving them and bringing you closer together as you seek God's face together.

One last thing... I heard this yesterday and I thought it was TOO good not to pass along. A fellow blogger I follow is the wife of a pastor who leads a very large church. Every Tuesday as her husband is leaving for work, she makes it a habit to tell him this: "You've got what it takes!" While she considers this a very small act of serving her spouse, her husband sees it as a life-changing sentence. He is overly blessed by her words of encouragement and validation of her love and belief in Him. Wow! How effective we can be when we choose to honor God with our words! Eph. 4:29 says, "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."

"Your words are a very good indication of what is going on in your heart - and your spouse knows it." (Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)

My prayer is that God would use our marriage to be a blessing to others, after all, together we have a choice on how we are going to reflect God's love on this earth!

Finding JOY in the JOurneY,