Doing Instead of Saying

Something has been on my mind lately and I'd like to share with you today...

How many times have we heard people say things like this to others going through a difficult season in their lives...

"If you need anything - let me know."

or

"Call me if you need anything."

Sincere people wanting to help. Wanting to do something to aide another one through their time of grief, suffering and pain.

I believe the motives are right. We want to help, don't we? We want to know that others can depend on us if they should need help in an area we can provide for them. And let's face it - we're pretty good at it. We help in all kinds of situations by doing all sorts of good things. We make meals, we provide child care, we give money, we pray for them. But sometimes, too often, we watch at a distance and wait for them to ask us for the help that they need.

I am in no way suggesting that we don't have sincere motives behind offering our help to others. I think most of us desire to actually be taken up on our offer to help. But - what happens when they don't ask.

All too often I've been a witness to people needing help but not knowing how to ask for it. No matter what kind of situation it is - some people just won't ask for help period. Perhaps it's pride. Maybe it's guilt. Just maybe they are too deep in their suffering that they can't possibly think of anything someone else can do that will ease even a bit of their pain. And although we may know something about what their going through - we don't know. This is THEIR journey, no ours.

A year ago a guest speaker named Tim Butler spoke at our church. Tim is a wonderful man, husband, father and counselor, who lost his daughter when she was just a young pre-teen to a terrible illness. Tim knows a little something about grief and suffering, and the desire to be comforted and supported during those days surrounding her death.

Tim suggests 4 guidelines for comforting those in grief:

1.) Make sure you have the right relationship for comforting close up and personal.
2.) Make plans to show personal support; include others if they are like-minded.
3.) Be prepared to find them in bad shape; be mentally prepared to allow them to be real.
4.) Sit with them and be silent; let them break for silence; do not let your anxiety control the conversation.

Tim went on to tell a story that I don't think I will forget. It was a story of practical support during the most devastating time of his life. A neighbor, knowing a little bit about what he was going through, made a decision to NOT ask Tim what he could do for him - but instead, decided to help in one of the most practical ways possible. In a visit with Tim late one evening just a day or so before the funeral, this neighbor told Tim that he had arranged to have a dumpster arrive at his home the following day. He explained to Tim that he knew he'd be needing it with all the visitors they'd be having at the house for the meal following the funeral. He went on to explain, "This is going to be very helpful for you and one less thing you have to worry about. Once it's filled, I'll just arrange to have it picked up."

Wow. This neighbor indeed knew how to be supportive and understood well that Tim would have never thought of this necessary item on his own as he was too knee-deep in his own suffering to even think about it. Or care. Thanks to this neighbor, the dumpster was the perfect way to support and comfort in time of need.

Tim suggests a number of things we should NOT do or say to someone grieving which includes things like:

"If you need anything call me." {They won't}
"I know how you feel." {You can't - this is their journey and everyone's pain is different}
"They are in a better place now." {They may know this to be true, but it doesn't help us when all we want is that person to be back with us}

and don't:
ask, "How are you doing?" {If you are not prepared to share their sorrow}
think you can fix them.
talk if you can't handle silence.

He goes on to provide us with a list of things TO do:

Listen.
Be present.
Laugh with them; weep with them.
Bring up the deceased by name.
Share any relevant stories that you had of their loved one.
Do something they will need/want - without asking.
Stay with them.

Tim goes on to say that perhaps it's just sitting... in the dark with them. And being still. And quiet. He says, "Sit in the dark space with someone you care about until your eyes adjust to the darkness and you can see what they see... that's what a helper is."

This is a real challenge for me. I am CLASSIC at offering my help by saying those words, "Let me know if you need anything." But I PRAY that God will make me into the type of person who gives without being asked. Who serves because Jesus came to serve. Who supports and comforts in tangible, practical ways that demonstrates genuine love for others. May I be used by God to DO instead of SAY I'm going to.